Nine Writing Things: Sexytimes

Sex in fiction is a touchy subject. There are as many different opinions on writing and and ways to write it as there are to have it. And that's totally okay. But I think there are some basics no matter how you do it. Write it, that is. I'm not stupid enough to presume to tell people how to have sex.

1. Learn the anatomy.
Nothing yanks me from a story faster than misuse of the word "vagina." A vagina is not the external sex characteristic. When a character incorrectly identifies his partner's anatomy in this most basic way, it calls everything into question. If he doesn't know where her vagina is, how am I supposed to believe he's going to please her?

2. Learn the slang for the anatomy.
Unless it's in-character, chances are your character isn't going to think "vagina." S/he might think "penis" but "vagina" is the sort of word that, for some reason, makes people squeamish. There's a wealth of resources for learning appropriate slang out there. (I like this one.) Find those resources and use them.

Note: Vajayjay is not ever, not even a little bit, not even jokingly acceptable. Don't make me bitchslap you.

3. Mind your hands.
This happens frequently in fanfiction, but professional fiction certainly isn't immune: someone has three hands. Or the positioning just isn't physically possible, or someone left their shoes on but five minutes later--without any mention of having removed said shoes--toes are getting sucked. Just pay attention to your details. During editing, position yourself where you've got your characters. If you can't do it, they can't do it.

4. Nothing tastes like peaches and cinnamon.
Several years ago, this was a big problem in fandom, particularly in the Harry Potter fandom. It stemmed, mostly, from people who were not old enough to have even really experienced their own bodies writing terrible smut. Again, professional fiction is not immune. Something might taste almost pleasant or have a hint of flavor of the food the character has been eating, but nothing coming out of the lower regions is going to taste like peaches or cinnamon or cherries. Don't sugar-coat it. (However, you can have your characters actually sugar coat it. Flavored lubricant is pretty nifty.)

5. The big O.
Fact: up to 75% of women do not orgasm during intercourse. If your heroine were in the real world, she probably wouldn't reach that peak. It's okay to have her do it, anyway, because fiction is fantasy. But it's okay if she doesn't, too. Sex isn't always just about the orgasm and if your character is a "journey is half the fun" type, it's completely okay for her to miss that climax. Men don't always achieve orgasm, either. Sometimes, they even fake it. If you're writing sex as part of a larger story (and not, like me and other porn writers, writing it because it is the story), then it adds a touch of unusual realism to have your character skip the big O... and who knows, you might make readers for life for that little detail.

6. You have five senses, use them.
Sex is about more than touch. It's sight, smell, sound, and taste. Just keep that in mind when your characters are getting hot and heavy. Of course they're not going to notice everything--nobody does--but showing us what they do notice, and what they savor, is going to tell us a lot about them.

7. Don't sacrifice character.
Out-of-character sex is just as bad as any other out-of-character behavior. If a hero of few words is suddenly spewing erotic terms of endearment, or a shy, repressed virgin turns into a wanton woman the second the hero drops his pants, I am going to call bullshit, roll my eyes, and close the book. Make me believe it, damn it.

8. There's nothing wrong with porn.
Written porn, at least, hurts no one. Oh, it might upset some people, and it might make others uncomfortable, but written porn for the sake of porn is--in my world--perfectly acceptable. If you want to write sex not because it's part of a larger story or because it shows or tells something, if you want to write sex simply because you want to do it, then do it. It's okay.

9. If you don't think it's hot, your reader won't think it's hot.
This maybe should be my number one tip. It's the one thing I preach whenever asked about it. Write what you think is hot because if you're not enjoying it, that shows in your words, and you ruin things for your character and the reader. You really don't want that.

Bonus Thing: The rules for writing sex, like any writing rules, can be broken. Just not until you learn them.

But I really will come bitchslap you if you use "vajayjay."

Nine Writing Things: Characterization Exercises

One of the things I find incredibly useful to do is write characterization exercises. (Or detail exercises, or dialogue exercises, or activity exercises.) These generally don't get shared because they're not usually pretty, but mostly because they're just not meant for others' eyes. Writing exercises like these help you find your voice and develop a strategy for dealing with some aspect of your writing in a larger, meant-for-publication piece. I suggest picking a word count--500, 1000, or 2000 words are good numbers--and going for it.

1. A car breakdown.
The way a person behaves when their car breaks down tells you a lot about them and their history. Is this a regular occurrence? Are they used to it? Did they prepare for it? Where it happens can provide a nice exploration of character. Is it on the side of the road between cities? In a bad part of town? Near home?

2. Preparing for a parent's visit/going to visit parents or in-laws.
Unless your character is a single orphan, family will probably visit her at some point. Or she'll visit family. It doesn't have to be an overnight visit. Maybe her dad and his new wife are just popping in on their way to dinner, or maybe her mother-in-law is doing one of those surprise inspections on the new housewife. Whatever the case, there's a lot of emotion and a lot of character rolled up in how we deal with parental figures. 

3. A first date.
I'll confess: I hate dating. I went on maybe four dates during my "high school" years and I didn't date at all in college or for about a year and a half after college. And even then, I got married eleven weeks after meeting a guy (ten weeks after our first date). But I hear some people like it. And I understand that most people don't meet someone and decide to marry them three weeks later. A first date for your character is kind of the same thing as a first date for you. You're going to learn a lot about them based on how they present themselves, what they worry about, what they ask, what they notice.

4. A job interview.
This is sort of the same as a first date, just with an added layer of professionalism. Is your character prepared for the interview? What does she wear? How does she feel? What does she say? What's her attitude about being there? (Is she being herself or is she trying to be what the interviewer wants?) Does she need the job? Does she want the job? A job interview for a character will probably show you how she behaves in the most stressful of non-intimate situations.

5. The first time your character had sex.
This is an old one and maybe kind of cliche, but it's a good one. You remember your first time. It's kind of a defining moment in a person's life. Your character is a person. And, not to get too triggery here, but if your character's first time wasn't consensual, or if your character's first time was maybe plagued with doubt and regret, you're going to learn a lot about him.

6. Doing something that frightens her.
I am utterly, completely terrified of "fun" houses. You know the ones. With the mirrors. Or the dark ones with the people in costumes who don't touch you but make damn sure they chase you. Shaking, crying, full-on panic attacks. Which is weird for me, because I am the least-easily-frightened person I know. This includes my Army husband and retired Navy/cop father. Bugs? Icky, but okay. Snakes? Respect 'em. Bad guys? Try me, buddy. I've been through a lot of very real, very scary stuff in my life. But fun houses reduce me to a small, scared, whimpering child. Throwing a character into a situation that scares her is going to reveal a lot about who she is and some of the most primal inner workings of her mind.

7. Winning the lottery.
It's an ultimate fantasy situation, like getting a chance to spend the night with your favorite celebrity (*coughTimArmstrongcoughyesIknowIammarriedandnoitdoesnotreallymatterIwouldtotallyhitthatcough*). But if you take the fantasy part out of it, there's some real conflict there. How does she react when she finds out? What does she do with the money? Who does she tell? How does she react to people coming out of the woodwork? Does it help or hurt her goals in life?

8. Home alone on a dark and stormy night.
Come on, even the bravest and most jaded among us can get a little spooked all alone in a big, drafty, silent house in the middle of a terrible storm. Or maybe she likes to cuddle up on the couch with fuzzy slippers and hot chocolate and read herself Edgar Allan Poe. The point is, it's a mini-isolation exercise. How does your character fare, think, act when she's completely alone?

9. Confronting someone who has wronged her.
Is she into the guns-blazing kind of confrontation? Is she subtle and manipulative, drawing out the confession before she acts? Is she passive-aggressive? Is she passive? Is she aggressive? Does she have control or does she let her anger/hurt control her? Confrontation is powerful. Facing the person who has done you wrong is a highly-charged moment. Is she a fighter or a flier? Write and find out!

Nine Writing Things: Tips for Self-Editing

I've written about self-editing before and I'm positive I'll do it again. I'll probably even repeat myself. Self-editing is a crucial step in the writing process and learning to do it well will save you--and your editors and beta-readers--a lot of headaches.

1. Read it out loud.
Listen to the flow of sentences, your word choices, and your dialogue. Reading aloud also helps you find those missing words you thought you wrote but totally didn't.

2. Have it read to you.
Back in the days before on-screen readers, I used to have my youngest sister read my fanfiction to me. Now, you can just save your file as a PDF and have Adobe Acrobat read it to you.

3. Read it backwards.
This step is useful for spelling errors more than anything else. Start at the end of your document and read backwards, one word at a time. It might also help you see if you fall into the trap of using the same vague words more toward the end of the text, when perhaps you're tired and frustrated and not as fresh and excited as you were at the beginning.

4. Find and replace "problem" words.
First you have to identify your problem words, which I would define as words you use excessively. I like to do a quick find-and-replace and substitute an all-caps version of the word for the word itself, that way my eyes catch on it and when I'm looking at the document as a whole, I can see the placement of the words. After that, I go in, look at, and edit each instance of each word.

5. Find and replace pronouns, and, then, as, like, was, were.
I like to get a sense of how often I use s/he, his/her/its, him/her/it, and the rest. I copy #4 for this tip.

6. Ignore it.
Sometimes, ignoring it is all you can do. The longer the work, the longer your break should be. When you come back to it, you'll see it with fresh eyes and read it with new understanding.

7. Save it somewhere else and read it from there.
If you write on your laptop, read it on your Kindle or iPad. Print it out and read it on the back porch with a glass of wine. Change your surroundings to jar you into seeing the piece differently.

8. Change font, size, color.
Simple tweaks like using a font you don't normally like in a larger or smaller size or different color can change the way you see the manuscript.

9. Read it as a reader, not as a writer.
Turn off your inner editor and just start reading. Don't do any editing until after you've consumed the work as a reader.

Nine Writing Things: Reasons to Write

There are millions and millions of reasons to write. Seriously, a basic Google search turned up 210,000,000. Today, I have nine for you. These are some of my reasons. (Reasons like "because I want to think about [interchangeable male character] naked" and "to evict old story ideas and clear out space in my head" didn't make the list. Sorry.) Maybe you can identify with them. Maybe you think I'm crazy. Maybe you're someone I know here to find out why I do what I do. Maybe I'll just make you feel better about your own reasons to write because yours are better.

1. There's something missing in your life.
New romance. Adventure. Attractive naked men doing your bidding. Zombie killing. Flying cars. Attractive naked men pulling pranks on other attractive naked men that lead to naked oil wrestling. What? I'm sorry. The point is, writing is a great way to get something you feel is missing from your life.

2. To live more than one life.
I like my life. It's pretty cool. I've got a hot husband, a smart kid, a great family, awesome friends, and some hobbies and interests that keep me entertained. But it's only one life. I'm not a spy or a supervillain or a hooker or a vampire or a dominatrix or a commando or a werewolf hunter. Writing lets me be those other things without giving up the comfort and safety of my relatively boring life.

3. Catharsis.
Sometimes, bad things happen. Sometimes, really bad things happen. And sometimes, the best way to deal with those really bad things is to just write about them. Make someone else--your characters--deal with the situation and you can deal with it, too.

4. To give voice to the characters in your head.
Most writers I know are not alone in their heads. We've all got a pretty solid grip on reality, don't get me wrong, but there's no way I could talk to my mother or husband about the harem of muses without them looking at me like I'm nuts and scheduling me a visit with the head shrinker. Characters are born and grow up and have adventures and become real in a writer's mind. They deserve to have their stories told. 

5. To figure something out.
Dump your characters into a problem situation and let them figure it out. Or set up a conversation so the characters can talk out a problem until they come to a solution. Sometimes, this is the best way to figure out real-life things.

6. To do something you really want to do but can't.
Do you really really want to go skydiving but can't because you're pregnant? Or maybe you really really want to see the surface of the moon but you can't build a spaceship because you're terrible at math. Everyone wants to do something they can't do, either because they're physically limited or because they're scared of the social consequences. Writing helps you do those things. It certainly helps me.

7. To escape.
When I was a kid and teenager, I used writing in the same way I used reading: it was a nice escape. It still works. Sometimes, you just need to get away from your life and writing is a really good way to do that. When you write, you create your new, perfect world.

8. To give voice to things you can't say in your normal life.
Social pressure is tough. Propriety keeps us from telling that horrible woman we work with that she needs to feed herself to a ravenous horde of Danny Boyle zombies. Fear keeps us from telling the adorable barista that you want to bite his biceps. But you can do those things in your writing. Not that I know this from personal experience or anything.

9. For fun.
And sometimes writing is just like arts and crafts or playing video games or going to the movies or doing a crossword puzzle. Sometimes, the best reason to do it just because you want to have some fun. There's nothing quite as awesome as endless possibilities, and that's exactly what you get when you write.

Nine Writing Things: How To Write Men (If You're A Woman)

In As Good As It Gets, Julie Benz's character asks Jack Nicholson's character how he writes women so well. "I think of a man," he says. "And I take away reason and accountability." Ouch. How do you write men if you're a woman, then? Here are nine of the tips I've found most useful in my years of experience writing men. Do I have all the answers? No. But I have been complimented by actual men on getting male characters "right," so I feel like I have some authority. 

1. Watch the men in your life.
My dad, my grandfather, my husband, my male friends... They're excellent sources of how "real" men behave. They're just regular guys, the sort of men most of us are likely to encounter in daily life. The little things can tell you a lot about how they think and what they feel. Writing a romance? The way these men show the women in their lives that they care can be revealing and useful.

2. Remember that men are really simple creatures.
This isn't to say that a man can't be complex, but as with any character, you start with the basics. And men, generally, need three things: to be fed, to be fucked, and to be respected. Conflict arises whenever he's not getting one of those three things. (Alternatively, when writing women, I believe the basics are that women need to be loved, listened to, and needed.) Hunger can be about more than food, sex can be about more than physical release, and respect doesn't have to come from the community.

3. Watch movies targeted at men.
The kind of entertainment targeted at the type of character you want to write tells you what people in charge think about him. The really popular movies tell you about the men enjoying them. What they like, even why they like it, and what it says about who they are and what they deal with in their daily life. Entertainment is a form of escapism and knowing how men escape can give you clues about the day-to-day conflicts. (For example, as an archaeologist, I believe in the whole men are hunters thing--which, to me, explains why so many movies aimed at men feature weapons and a hunt of some sort. Most men these days don't get a lot of that in their day to day life.)

4. Read books targeted at men.
For the same reasons you'll watch movies targeted at men, read their books. Not sure which ones those are based on the bestseller lists? Ask the men in your life what they're reading or what they'd read if they had a chance. (My husband, for example, reads a lot of John Grisham, David Baldacci, James Patterson, and he hasn't missed a Tucker Max book yet. In my experience, men tend toward dramatic non-fiction or nearly-non-fiction, "crude" humor, and sex.)

5. Read magazines targeted at men.
Magazines have a flashier, more immediate feel. I know more men reading magazines than I do men reading books, to be honest. This suggestion isn't just for the mature-themed magazines, like Playboy and Maxim (though those really are useful for the articles; Playboy was where a lot of masculine cultural revolution began, and Maxim is as much about clothing and gear and being a modern man as it is about attractive women in skimpy clothing). Look at any magazine that targets a specifically male audience. 

6. Read up on your male gender studies.
In this case, "gender" is the operative word. Manhood as a state of mind is something you want to at least vaguely understand before you tackle writing them. What do men want? How do they think? What do they feel? How does culture affect these things? What does it mean to be a man in his world? Generalized studies can help. Women's studies in the west tend to focus on things like "being pinked." Men are subjected to cultural restrictions and expectations as women. 

7. Replace "I feel" with "I think."
This is probably the easiest tip. Anytime you have a character speaking or internal monologuing, replace every instance of "I feel" with "I think" and your man will automatically seem more manly. This isn't to say that men don't feel; they're just more likely to phrase it in terms of what they think.

8. Ask a man in your life to read the dialogue aloud.
My darling husband is more romantic than me. He's the most romantic person I know. And even still, I sincerely doubt he'd say any of the flowery things I sometimes catch modern heroes spouting in romance novels. If you're uncertain about your dialogue, bribe a man in your life if you have to. (I hear a good way to get to them is through their stomachs.)

9. Remember that men are active and solution-oriented.
Men like to be doing something. It doesn't even necessarily have to be useful, though that's a bonus. And men typically aren't going to spend three hundred pages wringing their hands over a problem. They're going to be actively seeking solutions. This isn't to say that men aren't introspective, because they certainly are, they just prefer a more active approach to problem-solving, and life in general.

Nine Writing Things: Begone, Writer's Block!

We've all been there. We just can't write and it's a terrible, dark, empty, lonely place to be. There are millions of suggestions out there on the Internet for ways to beat writer's block. Let me be a cliché and offer nine more. Hey, it's an easy blog post. Give me a break!

1. Set small goals with a timer and a word count.
Unfuck Your Habitat is this fantastic blog on tumblr that has been hugely helpful to me in learning to manage my time. (It's a blog about cleaning and organizing, but the principles work for writing, too.) Set a timer for twenty minutes, set a word count goal (halve your normal twenty-minute word count), and then go. Is it good writing? No. But it's writing.

2. Write a conversation with yourself, your muses, or your characters.
The subject can be anything. Write out a conversation exploring why you're blocked, or what the muses think you should be doing, or the story your characters really want to tell. Get the characters to tell you a funny or sad story from their childhood. Whatever it is, just do it. It can and probably should be as messy as any real-world conversation, full of backtracking and stuttering and pausing and uncertainty.

3. Play a song you're unfamiliar with, try to write out the lyrics or what you think the lyrics mean.
No cheating! Ignore all the song lyric archives online. I did this a lot as a teenager. I'd listen to a new song, write out the lyrics as I heard them, and then analyze the song. This was before I knew pretty much every song ever is about sex, though, so your mileage may vary depending on your level of jadedness.

4. Talk to yourself.
Be as many different people as you need to be. I don't recommend doing this one in public, though. In your car is fine, in your home--alone--is best.

5. Drink. A lot.
Drink enough to lose your inhibitions but not so much you can't spell. Remember to save your work before you pass out or die from alcohol poisoning. You might be surprised at the sort of things you write when you've loosened up and lost the filters that make you fit for society.

6. Use Write or Die or a program like it.
Write or Die is a program that "puts the 'prod' in productivity." It basically forces you to write. I view it as a good parent. I'm not sure what's going to happen if I don't do what it tells me, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like it.

7. Take a shower.
I do my best thinking in the shower. It's like the steam loosens the gunk clogging up my writing arteries. This can backfire and lead to you sitting sopping wet in front of your computer, so... be careful. Maybe get a voice recorder or something, set it on a dry ledge near enough the shower that you can poke your head out and start shouting at it. A small child who can write or type would also do in a pinch. Oh! Or a significant other who can be bribed with a bit of a show.

8. Watch a movie you don't like.
Analyze every little thing about it that you hate. List those things. Rage at the movie. Decide that you could do better, grab your laptop, and actually do better. Rewrite it line-by-line and revel in your superiority.

9. Just start writing.
Sit down. Set fingers to keys or pen to paper. And just start writing. Your ABCs. Your name. Why you like the boy next door. What you think that cute barista does when she's home alone. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Just write.

Nine Writing Things: Help! I Need To Name My Characters!

One of the things I like the least about writing is naming characters. It's hard. It's just as hard as naming a real baby. But it's okay! Because I know what to do when it's time to name a character.

1. SSA.gov - Popular Baby Names
This is especially useful if you're writing something set in the US after 1879. You can look up the top 1000 names for boys and girls for any given year. It's fantastic.

2. Thinkbabynames.com
This website is great because you can look up a name... and then look up variations of that name.

3. Baby Names UK
The thing I like about this site is the blog. The short posts glossing over issues relevant to the subject of baby names can be kind of useful, like this one on taboo names. As with any aspect of writing, research and reading can help stimulate creativity. Anything that makes you think is a good thing.

4. The Editor's Blog - How to Name Characters
An article on character name theory, complete with tips, examples, and explanations.

5. Name Generators
Wizards of the Coast, Behind the Name, Fantasy Name Generator... The Internet is full of these.

6. White Pages
If your setting is in the modern, real world, a quick Google search of white pages + location should turn up residential listings you can use to name your character. Even if it isn't, there's inspiration to be had.

7. Name Memes
Your Star Wars Name. Your Star Trek Name. Your Lord of the Rings Name. And the silly ones, like Your Porn Star Name or Your Spy Name. Ridiculous? Yes. But maybe something good comes out of playing even if the amusement isn't enough for you.

8. Family History
My family tree is full of names like Millie and Jeanette on my mother's side and Alma and Sabine on my father's side. Check out the old family Bible or the inside covers of the books in your grandmother's library.

9. Make shit up.
Seriously, that's what we're doing, anyway. Just make a name up and commit to it. If anyone asks, tear up and tell them it's the name of your dead grandmother/grandfather/child/beloved pet.

Nine Writing Things: Great Blogs Run By Writers For Writers

When I first decided to self-publish, I did a lot of reading. A lot. I found a ton of great articles, started a blog, and started following a bunch of bloggers who were writing about writing. Not just self-publishing, but writing in general. I've written long enough to know that I don't have to do what everyone else tells me to do, but that other writers--especially older ones, more experienced ones, and ones published in genres I don't read--generally have valuable things to say.

For today's Nine Things post, I'm going to share with you nine of my favorite writer's blogs. 

1. Joe Konrath - A Newbie's Guide to Publishing
 Joe Konrath has been blogging since 2005 and he has a wealth of industry-specific knowledge, tips, and tricks that he regularly shares. He also has some pretty strong opinions about issues within publishing and self-publishing and he is very good at articulating those opinions. I read his blog regularly just so I can feel smarter. 

2. Chuck Wendig - Terrible Minds
I devoted this week's Blog Roundup post to Chuck and for good reason. His blog is a nice mix of writing advice, industry knowledge, anecdotes, writing exercises, and information about his work for those of his readers who are fans. There's something for everyone there. 

3. Stella Deleuze - Words by Stella Deleuze
Stella is, in addition to a writer herself, an editor. So with her blog, we get both sides: the writer and the editor. She is also a reader, a gardener, a hobby chef, and a conscious critic of self-publishing and indie authors. I like Stella personally--she's straightforward and kind and not afraid to express herself--and I enjoy her blog. Her rants give me a lot of ideas about what not to do. 

4. Laura Bradford - A Writer's Notes
I love the minimalist design of her blog and her relevant, easy-to-read posts. She doesn't update as frequently as most of the other bloggers on this list, but when she does, she offers things like posts about knowing your audience. 

5. James Killick - James Killick's Blog
Usually, James offers a nice, concise post of writing advice weekly. He understands the total writer package, that being a writer is about more than raw talent and specialized interests. He understands that most of us want to be read and liked. His posts display that understanding and generally offer advice to reconciling all parts of the writer self. 

6. Kate Aaron - Only True Magic
The thing that makes Kate's blog unique among the writer blogs I read, I think, is the fact that she regularly writes about gender and sexuality issues in writing, the industry, and in reading. I like that. I almost always learn something new, or at least learn to look at something in a different way. 

7. Lynn Viehl - Paperback Writer
Resources! Lynn has been a professional writer for fourteen years (according to her blog heading) and while her blog may be light on the advice, it's definitely heavy on the resources. She offers tips, tricks, programs, websites, submission information, and all kinds of other useful resources. Reading her blog is like reading a morning paper written just for writers. 

8. Aimee Salter - Seeking the Write Life
Like Joe Konrath, Aimee is very brusque, very matter-of-fact, and not even a little bit afraid of sharing her opinions. She's smart and she has plenty of advice for the persistent writer, advice that runs the gamut from how to improve query letters to how to beta read to how to not be one of those indie authors giving the rest a bad rap. I stumbled across her blog by accident one day and have been following ever since. I may not always necessarily agree with her opinions, but it doesn't matter, because her input is valuable. 

9.  Sierra Godfrey - Sassy Sassafras
Sierra follows blogs I don't follow and I don't have to because she does a weekly blog roundup, too. I like her casual, friendly tone and I like that she includes real-life examples of what she's talking about. This blog is an easy, useful read and I really enjoy heading over there to check out what she's offering each week.

Nine Writing Things: Questions I Hate (From Non-Writers Who Mean Well)

Generally speaking, I prefer to think positive. Negative thinking has dragged me down far too much in my life and it's just easier and more pleasant to focus on nice things. However, in the year since I started this self-publishing journey in a desperate attempt to jumpstart my writing career, I've noticed a trend in questions. Specifically, I've noticed nine questions I really hate being asked. I know the askers generally mean well and I always appreciate support and interest from my family and friends... but if I never hear these questions again, it'll be too soon. In fact, I've actively avoided discussing my work with most friends and family because of these questions.

1. Where do you get your inspiration?
Where does any artist get her inspiration? From the world around her and her great big imagination. That's it. Sometimes I can narrow it to a specific thing for a specific story or scene in a story or piece of dialogue, but for the most part, it's a general mishmash of everything. Explaining this has become such a pain.

2. Do you really believe/think like Character A?
Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. This is why writing has been called a socially-acceptable form of schizophrenia. I get to live in heads that aren't my own. Any answer I give to this question is guaranteed to get me a look like I've sprouted another head on my shoulder and the judgment can be disheartening if it comes from someone I respect.

3. How come I never knew you thought about those things?
Because it's not something I talk about, it's something I write about. Or, more negatively, because when I have tried to talk to you about those things, you blew me off because they didn't interest you. Or possibly because I didn't want to talk to you about them.

4. I'm your very conservative relative and we're not close. Tell me what your explicit book is about and where I can buy it, please.
So I wrote these books and they have a lot of sex in them. One of them even has some lesbian sex. Also I sometimes write borderline adultery. Have fun at church this Sunday! I have told my grandmother and my husband's grandmothers about my work. Awkward.

5. Where did you learn to write like that?
I read a lot and then I decided that since I liked it, I would try to write it myself. And I got pretty good at it. That's the best I can do with that question. Writing is a skill just like anything else, really.

6. How are book sales going?
It doesn't matter what I say, because you're going to give me your opinion on how to make them higher.And your opinion is probably wrong. And I really don't feel like pretending to be appreciative for your help. So I'll just mumble something and change the subject now.

7. Would you like to hear my ideas for marketing even though I don't know anything about writing/publishing/advertising?
No. No I would not. This question actually offends me. Do you think I just jumped into this without looking? Do you think I don't do research and listen to people who actually have insight? Do you think I'm not smart enough to figure it out myself? If I need your help or want your opinion, I will come ask you. But since you don't even know half of what I know about the industry (and let's face it, I don't even know very much), I think it's safe to say that I won't be asking.

8. Would you like to know what you should write next and why?
Nope. If you've got a million-dollar story idea, you write it.

9. Did you base this story on your life?
Even if I had, why would I tell you such embarrassing, intimate details? If we weren't close enough for you to know the answer to that question before you read my story, what makes you think we're close enough now?

This post has been Ellie venting. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled helpful blogging.

Nine Writing Things: Confessions

We all have them. Our dirty little writing confessions. Well, I'm going to share some of mine today.

1. I like dialogue tags that aren't "said" and I use them wherever and however I please. I also skip dialogue tags altogether, as often as I can, because if my reader gets confused then I haven't done my job and I suck.

2. I like adverbs and, like dialogue tags that aren't "said," I use them however and wherever I please. Of course, in editing, I do a search for words that end in "-ly" and if they hurt more than they help, they get cut.

3. I actually really hate dialogue. It's so hard to write and it interrupts the interesting part of the story and it just irritates me. I hate it especially in sex scenes. In fact, if it weren't so useful, I wouldn't use it at all. It just happens to be useful for characterization and plot development.

4. I don't like naming characters. At all. For many years, I flat-out refused to do it. I only do it now because, like dialogue, it's useful. I tend to choose names from the American Social Security Administration lists unless a character names herself.

5. I don't share everything I write, I don't finish everything I write, and I love writing what I've seen referred to as "masturbatory fantasies." I am not ashamed.

6. I don't want to be a world-famous bestselling writer. I want to be a reasonably successful reliable writer, the sort of writer you can turn to when you want something specific because you know she'll deliver.

7. Sometimes I wonder why I write. It's hard, it's frustrating, it's time-consuming, it's nerve-wracking, it's exhausting. And then I remember that if I don't write, I'll have all these stories floating around in my head with nowhere to go.

8. I can't stand cliches, but sometimes they're useful. And I hate that. I prefer every word I use to be useful and I don't like relying too much on readers' understanding of linguistic cliches. Not everyone really knows what they mean and while I like a challenge in my recreational reading, I don't want to make people feel stupid.

9. I don't think I'm as good as I'll ever be. I'm always trying to get better.